Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
