Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even my vagina gasped.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
