this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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