I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
