oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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