Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
