i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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