I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
