My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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