i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
