drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
