How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
