I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
