textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
