U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
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You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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