the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
