Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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