So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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