So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
