i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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