he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
