The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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