As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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