last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
