i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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