I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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