she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
