Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
