don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
