this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
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He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.