yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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