Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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