I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
