i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
