Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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