Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
