please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
