After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
