I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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