The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
people are starting to question the shark bite story
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
