omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
