Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I will die if light touches me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
