Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
50% drunk capacity currently
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
