I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
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so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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