I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
