You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
