I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
