I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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