It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
