checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
