Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
