how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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