I will die if light touches me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
