In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize