My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
