Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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