I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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